Fax Machine - $25

Fax Machine

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Fax Machine http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rds/hsh/2307594248.html. You mention that it comes with extra paper rolls. YOU MENTION THAT IT COMES WITH EXTRA PAPER ROLLS! You are selling a fax machine that takes paper rolls (or trying to at least). Here's what I want you to do: After reading this email and going home from the library computers, I want you to go over to a mirror and look into it and say: "I am trying to sell a fax machine that takes paper rolls." If you didn't hear yourself you should turn down Huey Lewis's album Sports and repeat this until you realize that it is 2011.

Just kidding. It sounds great. Is the price negotiable?

coffee grinder - doesn't work

coffee grinder - doesn't work

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the coffee grinder -- doesn't work http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rds/zip/2303980532.html. You have it listed in the free stuff section. I am OBVIOUSLY interested in it since you mention that it "worked perfectly, until it quit", but I feel bad taking it for free. I was thinking that I could offer you something of equal value. Let me think... I've got it. Why don't you come all the way across town and remove some of the garbage from MY house? That way it is fair. I was thinking maybe the pile of discarded Kraft Singles wrappers I have next to my bed. What do you think?

Just kidding of course. When can I come get this little gem?

Sleeping bag - $35

Hi There,

I saw your ad on craigslist for the sleeping bag http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/bra/hsh/2234419129.html. I am very interested in it but I am a little bit concerned. You see, when I was in grade school sometimes there would be a situation in which one kid (we'll call him kid A) would say to another kid (call him kid B) "Do you have a sleeping bag?". Kid B often would own a sleeping bag and therefore would respond "Yes I do." At this point kid A would kick kid B in the testicles while saying "Well let me wake it up for you". How can I be assured that I will not be getting into a similar situation.

Look forward to your response,

Ziploc ( SANDWICH) 100 BAGS - $5

Ziploc ( SANDWICH) 100 BAGS

Hi There,

I saw your ad on Craig's List for the box of 100 Ziplock bags for $5.00 http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/bra/hsh/2230042806.html. I would like to congratulate you on your understanding of Criag's List. Craig's List is for buying things from strangers for approximately their full retail value. The point is not to get a good deal but rather to experience the joys of taking public transit across town and making a transaction with someone who would not dream of just giving away, using or selling at a discounted price, their box of sandwich bags. These are the people I want to meet. How about we meet somewhere mutually inconvenient for both of us? Maybe the final stop on one of the subway lines?

Again, congratulations on using Craig's List appropriately. Hats off to you.

Ikea "NOT" floor lamp - $5 - UPDATED

Ikea "NOT" floor lamp

Hi There,

I saw your ad for the Ikea "NOT" floor lamp http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2216864906.html. I think it is really beautiful and I would like to purchase it. I can come pick it up and I will pay the full asking price... NOT!

Response
pick up is at ** telegram mews

FOCL

I will totally be there... NOT!

Response

when?

FOCL

Very soon... NOT!

Cart/trolly - $1000

Cart/trolly

Hi There,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Cart/trolly http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/bra/hsh/2205114480.html. I know that it is worth every penny of $1000 you are asking for, but times are very hard for me right now. I managed to sell my grandmother's jewellery and some of my kids' school supplies but I was only able to come up with about $850. I was wondering if you would consider this low ball offer??

Let me know,

Response
Dont panic we will offer you so a great discount that you wouldnt need to put all these assests of your on sale and yet able to buy the cart just for you its a special offer $10.00 only . Isnt that quiet affordable ?

FOCL
That is quiet affordable. Do you think you should start proof reading?

snow blower

snow blower

RE: your ad "snow blower" http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/mss/hsh/2203013313.html

I hardly even know her.

Mr Steamy Dryer Balls - $5

Mr Steamy Dryer Balls

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Mr Steamy Dryer Balls http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2170999680.html. There is really nothing I can think of that sounds more appealing than a pair of used Mr Steamy Dryer Balls. Oh wait, there it is, right in your ad "ANYONE WHO GETS THIS,I WILL TOSS IN A BAG OF USED WOMENS CLOTHIN" Now we're talking! For only five bucks I can get a pair of used Mr Steamy Dryer Balls and a bag of used womens clothin?? Now I guess I have to assume that the bag of used womens clothin is worth substantially less than five bucks if you are just tossing it in, but you DO make it sound really nice. But this is still a little rich for my blood. Would you consider selling one of the used Mr Steamy Dryer Balls and tossing in half a bag of womens clothin for $2.50?

Let me know because I am pretty excited.

Juicer! Brand New! - $50

Juicer! Brand New!

Hi!

I saw! your ad! on Craigslist for the Juicer! Brand New! http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2192465962.html Your ad says! "JUICER! Brand New! Still in Original Packaging! Never taken out or used! Keep healthy!" I was wondering if you have! any idea how! or when! to use exclamation marks!

Best wishes!

Denny's Restaurant's - $200

Denny's Restaurant's

Hi there,

I saw your ad for the year's worth of Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts for $200 http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/for/2192709438.html. You say it is one breakfast a week for a year and "The Grand Slam Breakfasts are $8.00 which for the year would be approximately $500.00". That makes sense to me: 437 days/year, 7 days a week, so that makes 62 weeks a year, times $8.00/week, yup, about $500.00.

But let's do a little more math. Let's make the assumption that we live in a crazy world with 52 weeks in a year. We will also assume that we are talking about a standard Grand Slam here: 2 eggs, pancakes, 2 sausages, hash browns and toast. According to the Denny's website that makes up 1242 calories and 69g of fat. So over the year we are talking about approximately 8 pounds of fat and 65000 calories. This seems a little low to me. I spoke to my doctor and he said that I should be getting at least 10-15 pounds of fat via Denny's breakfasts every year. I was wondering if it is possible to purchase more than one of these memberships from you so I can reach my recommended annual Denny's fat intake.

(BTW: The sodium is a really good deal as each meal provides three times the suggested daily maximum).

Cheers,

espresso - $650

espresso

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the saeco (odea go) espresso machine that you are selling for $650 http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2179825509.html. I just wanted to tell you about this new thing I discovered the other day. It is called Google. People claim it is a "search engine" but I think of it more as a looker-upper. You can type in "Kirk Cameron" for example and it will find you his web page which shows that he is really holding on to the Growing Pains thing, in fact his page plays the theme song from the show automatically (over and over again). You should check it out for yourself http://www.kirkcameron.com/ . But I digress. You can also type in "saeco odea go espresso machine" and see that they sell for between $400 and $500 new. So I have two questions for you. 1) Did you know that Kirk is a born again Christian now? 2) Why do you think your used espresso machine is worth so much more than a new one?

Sharing the laughter and love,

Vintage Bell Telephone - $40

Vintage Bell Telephone

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Bell telephone http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2182811033.html. In the ad you say that it "would be good as a secondary phone as the ringer doesn't work". So let me get this straight. You are asking $40 for this phone, which is at least 20 years old, is quite dirty, has a freaking rotary dial AND, AND! doesn't even ring. Are you out of your mind you fu....

Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't see that it is "vintage". I love vintage stuff. I am super interested now. Is it still available?

Let me know,

Response:

Yes, it is available.......

RETRO TABLE LAMPS - $75

RETRO TABLE LAMPS

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the RETRO TABLE LAMPS http://montreal.en.craigslist.ca/hsh/2167580066.html. Although I am not interested in purchasing them I would like to offer you a business opportunity. You see I am a bit of a master when it comes to writing the text for Craigslist ads but I lack the photographic skills that you have. For example, I never would have thought to take a photograph of the lamp in a mirror at a weird angle, although it does make total sense now that I see the photo. I guess that is the only way to get the image so out of focus on some cameras?

So what I am thinking is that we could team up. I would write the copy, and you would handle the photography and presentation. Just to give you a taste of what we could do together here is what I might write to accompany your photo.

light Maker!!!!!!! colour=green sale. Also has mirror.

What do you think, should we team up?

Cheers,

Bathtub grab bar - $25

Bathtub grab bar

Hello,

I saw your ad for the Bathtub grab bar http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/drh/hsh/2164806055.html.

It sounds really fun what is the address?

See you there,

Ikea PELLO Armchair - $40

Ikea PELLO Armchair

Yog fika,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Ikea PELLO Armchair http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2167769311.html. I am not sure if this is your intention or not, but I thought you should know that "PELLO armchair" loosely translates from Swedish into English as "Rapist's armchair". As you can imagine this is very offensive to Swedish people who may read the advert. Please change the posting and let me know when you have finished.

Good köttbullar to you,
Kjell

Sponge mop & bucket - $30 (UPDATED)

Sponge mop & bucket

Well hello there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the used sponge mop & bucket http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2172363121.html. I think it is a super wonderful idea for you you to be selling your old mop and bucket on Craigslist, but in your ad you say "I don't think any explanation is needed!!!". This is where I think I need to disagree. I think you need to explain how in god's name you believe your used sponge mop and bucket are worth 30 bucks. I asked my mop appraiser and she says that a mop like that probably retails for about $15-20 new. So I guess you're saying that wiping up whatever crap you have tracked into your house since you purchased the item has the effect of doubling its value? I am not sure you know how the used cleaning product market works my friend.

I am very interested in the mop, is it still available?

Response
Well miss La Rose,

I appreciate you showing me that I should probably mention that the sponge I used is not included, that's disgusting. This is a refillable mop and the refill has been added to the mop handle. Not that I need to justify anything to you....but I figured your rude and ignorant email deserved to be addressed.

As I mentioned in the ad I hardly used either item, literally twice. I mentioned that because the handle and bucket are like new. Yes, there are definitely items out there similar to this one that are 10-15 dollars. However, both of these particular items were purchased for OVER 30 dollars. Since they were hardly used I figured posting 30 and having people negotiate down is fare...Most of the time you bring the amount down by at least half. So I start higher to give leeway.

I've already had people interested and have organized a fare price for it. Once it's picked up I'll be deleting the ad.

So next time, instead of being an ass I suggest you keep you rude thoughts to yourself.

FOCL
OK OK apology accepted. So shall we say 7 bucks for the mop and bucket?
 
Response
Really? after AAALLLLL that, you want it? You must be pulling my leg.

In any case, someone is already planning on picking it up tomorrow night.

FOCL
How much are they paying?
 
Response
More then you offered and less then I'm asking.

I'm not even sure why I'm still entertaining your emails.

I'm obviously not going to be selling it to you.

Regards.

This will be my last email to you.

FOCL

At this point are you ready to concede that you were wrong about the "I don't think any explanation is needed!!!" part?

Le Creuset square cast iron skillet...brand new - $75

Le Creuset square cast iron skillet...brand new

Hi There,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Le Creuset square cast iron skillet http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/hsh/2163711687.html. You claim that it is "brand new and still in the box". BUSTED!! I analysed the photo you included and there is very strong evidence that the pan is not in fact "still in the box".

Explain yourself!

ARE YOU A CHEESE LOVER? - $12

ARE YOU A CHEESE LOVER?

Hello,

I saw your ad on Craigslist asking me if I am a cheese lover http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/hsh/2158002442.html.
Answer: Totally.
You say you are selling "four 6" plates with the names of all the cheeses on them". I am very interested but I was thinking that there is no way that they have the names of all the cheeses on them. But as you know (assuming you are a fellow cheese lover) some cheeses are more important than others. Do they have "cheddar" written on them?

Let me know.

Response
Actually, it is at the rounded edge and says "eddar." Since there is no such cheese as edder, I would imagine that represents 5/7 of the word "cheddar." I also have the large serving plate on which to hold the cheeses and crackers. I don't think I listed it.

Every cheese I eat when I go to Europe tastes better than the ones I eat here. Maybe because low-fat doesn't exist there.

FOCL
First of all, thank you for the unsolicited information regarding your level of cheese enjoyment as a function of your location. I find that type of thing extremely interesting. I really enjoy watching baseball in Japan.

Now let's get down to brass tacks about this cheese plate deal. If I understand correctly, approximately 5/7 of each name of all the cheeses is written on the rounded edge of the plates. For example, "mozzare", "gruye" or "nster"... and so on. I guess that makes a lot more sense.

Also, there is a new plate on the table now... "a large serving plate on which to hold cheeses and crackers" you say. So, are the original plates not suitable for holding cheeses and crackers, and if not, what IS their function? Also, what fraction of the cracker names are written on the outer edge of the large serving plates?

I am hoping we can clear up these issues soon.

Response
The large plate is the serving platter. The smaller ones are for your guests.

You are very funny. Are you a stand-up comedian, a writer, or a NYC teacher? Or, if you are discussing "issues," maybe you are a therapist.

My boyfriend is a CPA. I can have him calculate the percentage of each cheese name down to decimal places......

FOCL
I am funny aren't I? I should have a blog in which I harass, for no real reason, people selling things on Craigslist. I would call it http://www.foundoncraigslist.com/ . Good idea?

BTW, are you implying that there is a CPA that has talked to a girl?

Pig Face Candy Dish - $8

Pig Face Candy Dish

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Pig Face Candy Dish http://montreal.en.craigslist.ca/hsh/2162106744.html. It is a very special looking item. I think it would go great in my living room full of candies. My grandchildren could come over and take candies out of the bowl slowly uncovering the face below. I can just imagine their squeals of joy as they realize that the candy bowl looks like a mask that might be worn by someone fabricating an article of clothing out of human skin.

Is it still available?

Empty beer and pop cans - $5

Empty beer and pop cans

Hi there,

I noticed your ad on Craigslist saying that you are buying "empty beer and pop cans for five cents each" http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/for/2152292973.html. This is an amazing idea. I was wondering if you need a business partner. I have a pickup truck and I could really help you out. We would buy up all the cans we can find and then return them for the five cent deposit and make a killing. I would be willing to pay for all the gas and expenses for 50% of the profits. The other idea I have, is to start drinking a butt load of beer at home and then returning those empties to get a little bit of start up cash. What do you think?

Peace,

Facebook Contest (UPDATED)

To celebrate the launch of our new facebook page we're having another contest.  The winner will receive a very special FOCL prize.  Here's how to enter:

1. Pick your favourite FOCL entry
2. Go to our Facebook page and post a link to it on our wall. (Make sure you 'like' our page while you're there.)

On Feb. 28, 2011 one winner will be randomly selected from all the wall posts we receive.

Our last contest winner was thrilled with his prize.  You could be the next happy FOCL contest winner.

Update:
The contest entries have been flooding in (4 so far) so we're adding a rule: Every 'like' your post receives earns you another ballot.  So share with your friends.  The prize is going to be amazing.

German Cuckoo Clock - $60

German Cuckoo Clock

Guten tag,

Ich saw your ad on Craigslist for the German Cuckoo Clock http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/hsh/2154094296.html. In the ad you say "not sure if it works but still a nice piece". Well there mien friend I think I can help you out with a diagnostic test here.

Question 1: Does it tell the f*cking time??

If you answered "No" to any of the above questions your clock is not working.

PS: If it doesn't work, it is not "still a nice piece". Get your kopf out of your arsch.

Please let me know if it is still available.

Belaggio Style doors pre-hung - $50

Belaggio Style doors pre-hung

Hi There,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the pre-hung doors http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/hsh/2145869009.html.
I have been looking around my house and I don't see them.

Response
What?

FOCL
You heard me.

AT&T DIGITAL ANSWERING MACHINE BRAND NEW SEALED IN BOX - $29

AT&T DIGITAL ANSWERING MACHINE BRAND NEW SEALED IN BOX

Hi There,

I saw your ad for the AT&T DIGITAL ANSWERING MACHINE BRAND NEW SEALED IN BOX http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/ele/2152094212.html. I think it looks really great and modern and I think it is really something that I would use and totally need. I didn't even know that we had digital technology for this now.

Sincerely,
1995

Response
is this some sort of a joke or do u want to buy it

FOCL
Sorry for the late reply I just got back from a Coolio show. Part of the tour he is on promoting his hit song "Gangsta's Paradise".

Anyway, I totally am!!!

cold steel 1917 naval cutlass - $70

cold steel 1917 naval cutlass

Hi There,


I saw your ad on Craigslist for the cold steel 1917 naval cutlass http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/yrk/for/2142005566.html. I just have one question about it. WTF were you thinking when you bought a pirate sword? Seriously!


Regards

Response
Its not really a pirate sword but i got it cas i thought it looked cool, i need money for school so selling it now, are u interested in buying it though?

FOCL

Pirate school?

Are you patriotic? Do you love Uncle Sam? - $20

Are you patriotic? Do you love Uncle Sam?

Hello fellow American.

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the "Are you patriotic? Do you love Uncle Sam?" . I am very interested in the cardboard homeless guy you are selling but I am a little concerned. In the ad you say, "If you're patriotic, this is a must". Since you are selling it I guess that means that you are no longer patriotic. What happened? Have you been brain washed by evil doers, or is it our new the socialist government?

I want to help you.

Response
No, I am still patriotic, though I agree with you about our “new socialist government”. I guess it was a poor choice of words, saying it’s a must to have. I will change that. We are downsizing and need to get rid of stuff.

If you’re interested, that’s great. It is wood, though, not cardboard.

FOCL
I know! Right! It is like living in communist Sweden. "Hey everyone I want you to be able to have health insurance and I don't want to have openly homophobic policy in the armed forces". Anyway, I guess I'm preaching to the choir here. I just feel like popping that wooden thing on my lawn will say to world "This homeless guy on my lawn means I ain't putting up with this anymore!". Maybe that's not what it says. Why is this guy a symbol of my patriotism? I think I've confused myself...

FOCL
Since you haven't replied I guess that means I convinced you to keep it? Too bad cause I really wanted it.

Response
Yes, it is still on the market is posted on Craigslist. I agree with everything you have said (on the political front), but, as you pointed it, it is preaching to the choir. I am so sick of this government and of what is going on, that I don’t even want to think about it anymore.

FOCL
Word. One last thing... why is this little guy a symbol of patriotism?

Response
No particular reason. I just think Uncle Sam is patriotic – that’s why I bought him 10
years ago or so (he used to be holding a flag but it fell off - maybe that’s very fitting! It happened after Obama won the White House!! heehee).

FOCL
TOTALLY!! Obama HATES flags.

Anyhoo, I don't know who your uncle is, but my cousin Troy is super patriotic too. He flew to Alaska just to live closer to Sarah Palin. I should make a wooden statue of him and then we can just trade. What do you think?

Response
I love Sarah Palin, but she’ll never win the White House. Too many people in this country that depend on hand-outs and entitlements.

FOCL
Ya, why should the winners be paying for the losers. Everyone starts with the same chance to be successful and some people are just lazy and hang around living like kings on welfare. Maybe if they spent a little more time working and a little less time collecting handouts and partying on their yachts we could elect someone like Palin, who is obviously qualified to be the leader of the US.

Anyway, should I send you a picture of Troy?

Scenic Antler Sculpture - $16

Scenic Antler Sculpture

Hi there nature lover.

I saw your ad on Craigslist for the Scenic Antler Sculpture http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/hsh/2142504721.html. In your ad you say, "From the heart of a cleverly fashioned replica antler, an intrinctly carved panel depicts a moose and his mate as they traverse a tranquil forest glen".

Don't you worry that displaying this will send a message to the other mooses that it is ok for them to choose this type of lifestyle? Next thing you know they will want to get married and then there goes the sanctity of traditional moose marriage.

Ya know?

Shhh...The Garden is Sleeping Garden Stone and Key Hider - $7

Shhh...The Garden is Sleeping Garden Stone and Key Hider

Well hi there.

I saw you ad on Craigslist entitled "Shhh...The Garden is Sleeping Garden Stone and Key Hider" http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/hsh/2142414141.html. I was wondering if you have other fake rocks to hide keys in that have different inscriptions that make as much sense as "Shhh...The Garden is Sleeping"? Maybe "Arrgg... my foot is a librarian" or "Whaaa... gravity is dark blue"? Anyways, let me know.

Thanks,

the professor dish

the professor dish

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for "the professor dish" http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/hsh/2140736753.html. Your ad reads in its entirety: "the professor dish edwin m knowles is in excellent condition. all authentic paper work in it. numbered as well. " and has no picture.

I just wanted to say that you are magically gifted at painting a mental picture and that it is abundantly clear what you are selling. Some people would have just stopped at "the professor dish" but you went the extra mile to ensure that we knew what we would be getting.

Kudos!

Stool - $19

Stool

Hi there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for "Stool" http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/hsh/2139587321.html. I was wondering if you could describe it a little better? Colour, texture, is it solid etc...

Thanks.

Response
It appears to be leather. A dark greeny, black, brown colour. Pretty solid but has a bit of squish to it. What else do you want to know?

Cheers

FOCL
Greeny? Is it your stool, and if so do you maintain a reasonably healthy diet?

Response
Bahahahha.

Nice.